“Why does this even have to be a choice?” Many men who struggle with enmeshment don’t fully realize they are in a bind till they start to see the mounting losses- relationships, career, adventure. It’s a slow dawning realization that the love your family has put forth has come with an obligation, put the family first, you don’t need a life of your own.
The more you try to make everyone happy, the more your heart shut down. Resentment rises to a prominent feeling and you feel ready to explode, collapse, or run in every conflict.
Are you tired yet of going through the motions and trying to put on a good face?
You hear your partner and other responsibilities asking for your full attention and you see the pain in the family you grew up in as you try to hold other priorities. “Sometimes I just want to tell everyone to go away, then I feel guilty and selfish and out of that guilt I double my efforts to be a better son/husband/father. It’s a cycle that never ends.”
The mounting conflict and discomfort between your partner and your parents makes you feel hopeless. There is hurt everywhere, most of all inside of you.
Close, loving relationships with family can be some of the most rewarding relationships.
When those relationships hamper your ability to love and commit fully to the people you choose, there’s a problem.
The problem arises when a child can’t fully emancipate from the family and his role as a child in that family. Enmeshed men don’t feel free to grow up and start their own lives. They are often plagued by guilt, sometimes told overtly that they are abandoning their parents and family when they are seeking their own lives.
Their parents may still see them as “our little boy,” not the man they’ve become. When the person feels guilt or obligation to stay “mom’s little boy” he will be less free to choose the kinds of relationships he wants with his chosen love. He’s often angry at the wrong woman.
A sense of autonomy and freedom inside the person caught in the middle must take place. For many mother-enmeshed men, they have never had a firm sense of who they are outside of the roles they play. Some feel literally responsible for the health and wellbeing of their mothers and families.
With mother-enmeshed men, the guilt and obligation from not being there for mom in the ways she needs plays loudly in your head preventing you from being totally present in other relationships, even within yourself.
We can work together on helping you to fully emancipate – become your own person, free to love and have relationships that you choose, on terms that work for you.
